When I opened my eyes this morning, I felt this invicible heaviness on my body. It’s a feeling that goes beyond words.
In fact, It’s a weird culmination so to speak… of despair, laziness, depression, loneliness… you name it.
Now all that concotion in one heavy dosage.
Fact is, its become common… not just in my life, but also in other people’s lives as well.
I see it in people’s eyes… everyday… every week… every year… but they can’t admit it because they’re afraid of making a mockery of themselves.
But as for me, I’ll have to speak out today because the more I conceal it, the more it hurts.
I’ll basically address three aspects of life without which, I feel incomplete… or basically make me feel like an absolute failure with each passing day…
Doesn’t everyone wish for this? Heck I don’t even know why I’m asking this question because personally speaking, I crave for it.
Because I’m TIERD of living a life that’s nothing but a back & forth game of the good & bad life.
I’m tired of envying people who have a taste of the good life 24/7 while I have to wait for special occasions to have a piece of the cake.
And I must admit… IT SUCKS BIG TIME! To be the spectator… to be on the sidelines.
To have to work your *ss off for meager unstable income while someone spends money like he/she photocopies it across the streets.
What makes some people have money so easily while others sweat blood to have a penny?
Are these struggles here to stay? Is this destiny? Speaking of destiny…
2)A Sense of Fulfilment.
This is the sense that makes you feel that what you do in life makes an impact. That you’re not just passing time & waiting for judgement day.
That treasured feeling that “I’m not doing what I do in vain because there’s a reward in the end…”
And as I reiterated earlier, lack of financial stability leaves one with few options. For instance, I hate doing Economics… but…
I’ve struggled to get this rare chance to study for a degree that’s partly sponsored for by the government.
I always feel like I’m passing time by… but what options do I have?
I once told my parents that I needed to change the course but they would hear none of that because of the numerous financial challenges they currently face & that I’m supposed to “understand & cope with the situation as the first born”.
These are the same parents that were quick to disapprove my books even without reading them because of the financial constraints they face…
Parents that only believe in formal education & see one’s passions as a meaningless past time.
This indeed crushed my spirit…
I’ve got passion for entrepreneurship! Not being employed in a bank & working long hours for a meager salary.
But what’s the use of passion if you’ve got no resources to implement them? I mean, I’ve got two books under my belt but Kenyan publishers aren’t willing to sponsor & promote young, upcoming writers.
I wanna be my own boss. I wanna study for something different that makes me feel involved, as opposed to what I currently do which basically means copy pasting what the lecturer dictates without a mind of my own.
I need to feel fulfilled with each passing day.
3)Dreams & Ambitions coming to pass.
Used to be there. And so we (the Y generation) have to figure out life on our own. But of late, one gets the feeling that no one cares.
I miss the days when people would actually talk of dreams & ambitions & bring them to pass. But lately, that’s becoming another hopeless mirage. Disappointments after disappointments come, left, right & center.
Resolution after resolution is broken.
Then despair sets in, becoming an everyday reality…
I mean… what does one do?
Hope for a miracle in a world infested with materialistic churches? Share his/her disappointments with a world that’s addicted to constant gossip, bickering & mockery?
As for me, I’ve learn’t to cope by first of all, comforting myself in silence & solitude.
And second of all, hiding my pain.
Because I’ve come to the realization that many will read this & assume that the writer “will be fine…” just like the parable of the good samaritan.
Or maybe, just maybe… a “one in a billion” good samaritan will help me change this story, & I won’t have to repeat it again.
As the saying goes,
“Everyone goes through pain, It’s just that some people are better at hiding it than others…”
Have a blessed week ahead…
Special Dedication to Grandma Grace Kiruai, who passed on at age 92 on the 19th of September 2012…
- Remnants of the Big City| (howtomanup.wordpress.com)
- The parable of the Good Samaritan (truthorshame.com)
- Life| (howtomanup.wordpress.com)
- The Good Samaritian (financialproverbs.com)
- Let’s be present with our despair (forestpathblog.wordpress.com)
- Handing Over| (howtomanup.wordpress.com)
- A Meal a Day (thinkhocla.wordpress.com)
- Crossing the Barriers (poormakingmanyrich.com)